Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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