I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
