I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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