Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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