My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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