Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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