Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
