I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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