im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
