i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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