she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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