So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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