come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
