Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
