the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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