I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
