I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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