Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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