I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
