I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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