She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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