I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
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