I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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