Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Pants are for mortals
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
