I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Where is the hickey?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
