A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
