I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
