Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
