Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
