i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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