There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
