okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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