I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think people are normalizing furries
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
