I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
