woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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