it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
