I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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