Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
