I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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