you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You need Xanax blowdarts
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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