oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
