my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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