the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The struggles of a small town man whore
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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