you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
