why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just googled if crying burns calories
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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