You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
