My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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