I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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