Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Ketchup is God's man juice
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
