she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
