Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
