I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
